CelebJihad recently caught up with Lindsay Lohan at our favorite celebrity hotspot, the local bus station. We arrived to find Lohan strewn casually across a concrete bench rubbing a powder covered credit card that expired three years ago across her gums. After briefly startling her, we were greeted energetically by the starlet as she stared right through us with her movie star gaze. From there we jumped right in and captured a very candid, honest interview with the star.
Due to the fact that she nodded off several times during our interview there are some portions that may seem incomplete, but who are we to question her ways. These Hollywood A-listers have methods that we mortals cannot possibly understand. Only Allah knows for sure.
CJ: How are you Lindsay?
Lohan: My cunt hurts and I’m not sure where I am, but other than that I’m fine.
CJ: Interesting. It seems you’ve begun the process of getting your life back together. Tell us, did you find Allah?
Lohan: Was that his name? I just blew some Mideast guy in the men’s room, so I guess I did. I think he got on a bus to Modesto already.
CJ: That’s fantastic. Tell us, what’s your secret?
Lohan: Well, even my shrink doesn’t know this, but my dad and uncle double-teamed me when I was eleven.
CJ: How precious. So tell us, what’s next for Lindsay Lohan?
Lohan: I think I filmed some bullshit movie a while back. It might be out by now. Or maybe not. I don’t fucking know. Who the fuck are you anyway? Why am I talking to you?
CJ: Wonderful! Now our readers are just dying to know, do you miss Fez?
Lohan: Who the fuck is Fez? Jesus… (she briefly drifted off to sleep, then suddenly jumped in our face) Hey, by the way, you guys got any snow? I need it in a bad way. Serious. I’ll do anything you want.
CJ: Swear that Mohammad is the only true prophet and that there is no god but Allah.
Lohan: I swear that Mahatma is only for profit and there is no good in Allah.
CJ: Infidel! We must now behead you!
Lohan: That’s what I was getting at. Now who should I blow first? I blow for blow. Get it?
CJ: No, not head. Behead! We must cut your head off!
Lohan: Jesus, you guys are assholes. I’m done with this shit.
CJ: Fantastic. Well Lindsay, we’d like to thank you for your time. Sorry about that whole beheading outburst. We’re sorta required to do it. Nothing personal.
Lohan: Whatever. Now I’m gonna go see if I can catch that cat over there. I’m fucking hungry.